August 2004 Archives

Sometimes, after I read Neil Gaiman's journal, I find myself in love with him for a good 30-45 minutes. I've always got a bit of a crush on him, that's a constant. But there are times, certain posts, when I just want to run around and make everyone read it, so that they can look me in the eye and try to convince me they do not love him too. Now, I am sure there are several people who would not be overwhelmed with tender feelings after reading the journal. I am not sure I want to know them, but I imagine I do. But the people that get it... they are one of the Good Ones. It's not a deal breaker to friendship, by any means. But it's a fairly good litmus test of humor. Because it all boils down to humor. And today was the best kind... vocabulary humor.

The software company I work for creates a test for users of the software, to test their expertise. If they pass the test, they get to officially call themselves a Smarty Pants of said software, and can even put a little Smarty Pants of product logo on their resume or business card, should they so desire. When this test is created, I am one of the people who works on it. In the past, I have written questions. Lately, I usually tech review the questions, and then help weigh the scores. Assign a point value to the answers, some correct answers are worth more than others, you know. I think that's what I do, at least. So I've never taken the Smarty Pants test, for my own product. Why would I? Oh, because they like it when you do, and they give you free product. And if you've got nothing better you can come up with, it makes a great Quarterly Goal. So... I'm taking the Smarty Pants test tomorrow morning, at a testing center. It's multiple choice. And from working on the test myself, I know it's very tricky and sneaky. It's been a year since I've worked on it, so I don't remember any questions or anything. I just remember the types of questions, and some of the stuff covered. Tricky and sneaky stuff. I've been studying for days, because it would be very embarrassing to fail the test. But quite possible, since I don't actually use the software every day. I don't always remember which setting is located under what menu. However, I am following all my old studying patterns. Which is to say, I am doing anything BUT studying. Doesn't bode well... I don't want to turn out to be a Dumb Ass. But I have an overwhelming urge to make long distance phones calls to all my out of state friends.

"Boy, I hope they ship with a high SPF factor, if they are blowing that kind of sunshine."

I'm aces at cracking myself up. That's mostly why I blog, so I can go back and read my own posts and crack up at myself. Dr. Stevil and I were just walking back to work, with bags of teriyaki from Yak's, and I noticed that our company is sponsoring the annual neighborhood Oktoberfest. They usually do, actually. But this time, we have street banners. That brought up the discussion of public awareness of our work for the public good. Charities and environmental issues, neighborhood sponsorship, that kind of stuff. We are not the main headquarters of our office, that is located down in San Jose. And down there, the community is very aware the work The Company does. Dr. Stevil was commenting that we need to be more visible with our work, here in Seattle.

Dr. S: People don't even know we are here!
Me: We're here, some of us are queer, get used to it?
Dr. S: Yes.

And then I came up with the most brilliant slogan for Oktoberfest ... we should have t-shirts made with The Logo on it, and the t-shirt should say: We're here, We like beer, Get used to it.

And then I laughed and laughed. Come on... you KNOW that's a good sponsor slogan. Admit it.

Over on River Selkie's blog, she talked dreaming that she ran for president., and what that would entail. What changes it would bring to her life. Besides just having to learn all about politics. Which is tedious at best. And I thought, "hmmmm.... I wonder what they could dig up about me, that would smear my presidential campaign and slander my good name, bringing shame to all my friends and family."

And so now I present to you -
Things About My Life That Would Keep Me From Being Elected President of The United States of America.

1. I inhaled.
   
2. I have not always filed my tax returns on time, nor have I paid them on time. [fuck the IRS]
   
3. The bankruptcy. [if I can't budget myself, how am I supposed to budget the country?]
   
4. The infamous, and completely untrue, Yum-Yum Donut Accident Story that allowed me to withdraw from swim class, as a hardship, at SDSU. [Lying is wrong.]
   
5. Any interview with any boss I've ever had, prior to this job. [well, about 90% of them, anyway.]
   
6. A record that shows what books I have checked out from the Library. [you naughty girl!]
   
7. Certain websites have, at times, received my credit card number in order to admit me "membership" to their websites with questionable morals. [but that was for a very good reason - a practical joke.Actually, it was more of a game.]
   

Oh, I just came up with a Presidential decree. I was talking to my coworkers about some new drag and drop virus on WinXP SP2... I don't what it is, I use a mac, and someone said, "who makes all of these things? who sits down and does this?" And I told them. Teenagers. Teenagers do it. And if I were president, I would give all the teenagers free access to internet porn. Because that would keep them busy, and they wouldn't have time to make viruses. Coworkers agreed this was brilliant, and promised to vote for me.

If you are anything like me, if you do three things in a row at work, without stopping, it's time to take a well deserved break. Three things in a row? Good gods, nobody is meant to do that many things in a row, without a nap!

I've read most of Christopher Moore's books, and enjoyed them very much. In fact, I would have to say that Lamb is on my list of favorite all time books. I loved it that much. It made me laugh out loud, which is sometimes hard for a book to do. Anyway, I found out he has a webpage and a blog. Although the blog is really more of a BBS posing as a blog. I've added it to my list of blog links to right. It's delightful.

I'm not sure if I have updated you on the poker games that have been going on, here at work. If you remember, a few weeks back, I was set to play poker at lunch, Texas Hold 'Em. I had never played before. The regular players are me, Anastasia, Lloyd, Mr. Fisher and The Manager. [Yes, I know The Manager's name, I'm just trying to be all covert and shit. And Mr. Fisher just sounds cool.] Anyway, you could certainly tell I had never played before, because in the space of an hour, I had lost all my money. Or should I say my "money." We start out each game with a $1000 in chips. Anastasia has real authentic casino poker chips. And in less than an hour... I was flat busted broke. However, I watched some of that Celebrity Poker on the Television, and practiced my iPoker, and I swept the next two games! The winner!! #1!! Unfortunately, the last game was an exhibition game, and did not count in the tournament, but I still won! And like the nice Mr. Loaf says "Two outta three ain't bad."

I'm covering so many meetings, I had to cut my nails short. It makes sense, if you think of it. With my brain. When I go to meetings, I unhook Squishy, the 12" TiBook, from her auxiliary ergonomic keyboard and monitor, and take her with me. Squishy's keys are so carefully arranged to fit in her 12 inches, that if I have long nails, they often hit the keys next to the one I am typing. Since I am doing a lot of typing on Squsihy directly, due to all these meetings, I had to cut my nails. Get it?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning, decided it was a fine time to take a bubble bath, which I did, and then went back to sleep. It seems almost a dream.

Kam was here this weekend, visiting. It was a quick visit...only about 36 hours. But we packed in a bunch of stuff. I took Kam to the Apple Store, and she bought an iPod. She'd been thinking about it for a while, wanting one for a while, and she decided that this was the day she was going to do it. We walked in the store, and walked over to the iPod table, and her iPod purchasing experience was remarkably similar to mine.

Sales Person: Hi, can I help you find something?
Kam: I want to buy an iPod!!
Me: She wants to buy an iPod!!
Sales: Sure, just to let you know, the colored mini iPods are out of stock right now.
Kam: I don't want a mini.
Me: She wants this one! the 40gb!
Kam: yeah... i want that one!!
Sales: Ok!

And she takes us over to the counter and rings us up. That's it. All that excitement and anticipation, and it's over in seconds. Do they not understand? You are there to finally buy your iPod!! It's terribly exciting! But they are just friendly and helpful. They don't feel the buzz. I don't know, when I finally bought mine, I just would think... shouldn't there have been a band. Or a parade. Or at least a bunch of Apple Store employees shaking my hand and welcoming me to the iPod club. Teaching me the secret iPod handshake? It's ok, I was there to be excited with Kam. Plus, we had the added bonus of parking so that we entered and exited through the shoe department at Nordstroms. That's just good planning.

We visited several of Kam's favorite places to visit, when in Seattle. While at the East/West bookstore, I found a new tarot deck, I simply had to add to my collection. The Victoria Regina Tarot. Done with regency era woodcuts, I could not take my eyes off it. Especially the suit of wands. Instead of wands, they use fountain pens. I love all the suits, really. The Cups are Bell or Mason Jars, the Coins are pocket watches. And the swords are guns. I think my favorite Major Arcana card is the moon. The accompanying book seems very complete and the deck even came with it's own velvet bag. Awwwww.....

Anyway, the best part of all was I finally got Kam to watch Buffy. We watched the first four episodes... the first disc of Season one. She says she will add Buffy to her netflix queue!! My work here is done.

Dr. Stevil sent me this article from the Guardian UK.
“Insensitive computer programmers with little knowledge of geography have cost the giant Microsoft company hundreds of millions of dollars in lost business and led hapless company employees to be arrested by offended governments.”

Who knew that Win95 was banned in India? That's awesome! I mean seriously... geography is boring. Who cares?

I'm working on this Big Report at work right now. I've never had to do this Big Report. But the woman who does it is on maternity leave for the next seven years. Give or take. So Dr. Stevil, EvilDeb and I are filling them out. And to think that all three Big Reports are normally done by one person... because, frankly, they are driving the three of us insane. This is our first time, with the Big Reports. Steve's not here today, I think his brain imploded yesterday. EvilDeb just ran out of here, scratching her own eyes out. She was mumbling something about not being able to do that anymore and needing food. So running to the store for nosh, because she just cannot take it anymore.

Where as I... I just simply changed the colors on my blog again. I was sick of purple and green, but not ready for a fall color scheme. I feel better now.

Start saving boxes for me, because I might be moving. The deal is this, I've offered to live in my old house, now owned solely by my step daddy, while he rents an apartment in the coastal town up north, which is the location of his new job. He was going to commute this year, while he finished up some work on the house, and then sell it and move up there next year. The commute is about 60-70 each way, I think it's about a 150 miles per day. But he leases his car, and the amount of extra money he'd have to pay for mileage is ridiculous. So he mentioned to me that he was going to have to drive his older truck. But I had a better idea.

I told him that if he wanted to find an apartment or something up there, I would move into the house, but pay his rent on the apartment for the next year. He'd save money on gas and mileage, not to mention all that time he'd save. I'd get to move out of my stupid apartment, and into a house that I love. And he'd still have easy access to it for whatever it is he wants to do to it before he sells it. And storage rights. See? perfect. I didn't think he'd take me up on it, he said he was going to think about it. But last week, he called me to ask me if i really wanted to do it, and I said, "hell yeah!" He's going to be looking for places up north this week. I know I couldn't count on it until it's a done deal, but I am really excited and already planning how I am going to arrange the furniture. I love that house.

He wouldn't have to even ask if I were serious, if he came home to my apartment every evening for a week. The other night I came home to a hallway smelling of green peppers [ I hate green peppers] and two safeway shopping carts. [Magically, these safeway shopping carts have mated, because when I left this morning, there were four of them. ] There was a new trike in the hallway, because that's where the kid next door does the majority of his game playing. In the hallway. In my apartment, the air was hot and still, and faintly green peppery smelling.

The tricycle brings to mind a conversation with Mr. Moon. I was talking to him on the phone. And I mentioned that the kid next door was out on his big wheel, riding up and down the hallway while screaming. His reply?

"If he starts saying 'redrum,' get the hell out of there!!"

All work and no play make Jodi a dull... well, let's face it... The chances of Jodi ever pulling off All Work are pretty remote.

Another Jodi did it. So now I am doing it. And you can do it too!

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

When I told Evildeb that I posted the biting story, she asked me if I also posted the teddy bear story.

Me: What's the teddy bear story?
Evildeb: I don't know... apparently I did something with someone's teddy bear.
Me: Like what?
Evildeb: I don't know... I don't remember.
Me: you don't remember.
Evildeb: I guess I was drunk.
Me: That's a great story, Deb.
Evildeb: Yeah.

Maybe someday we'll learn the story, find out what horrible and/or odd thing Evildeb did with someone's teddy bear. I can hardly wait.

I've recently become addicted to Popcap's online game Insaniquarium. So much so, that when I go to sleep at night, I see the negative impression of fish food dropping into the aquarium, on the back of my eye lids. So I came to work and showed the game to Anastasia. So I wouldn't feel so bad, if I slipped and played it at work. Because now she's addicted as well. You have to feed the fish so they will grow bigger and poop coins to so you can buy more fish and better food and better guns, in order to protect your fish from the occasional invading alien, AND buy the three pieces of egg that advance you to the next level. It's thrilling!!

Evildeb once bit a man so hard, she drew blood, because he wouldn't give in and say "ouch."

I kid you not.

I was phenomenally stupid, on Saturday afternoon, and went to IKEA a mere five days after the new 2005 catalog arrived. Originally, I was thinking of buying a bookcase, and asked Evildeb if she would take me in her Subaru. Then I changed my mind, but she was already geared up to visit, so I decided to go along. Big mistake. Huge. The place was swamped. We had to park, I figure, about five football fields away from the store itself. I had half a mind to inform the fire dept. that they were violating codes that afternoon. Nonetheless, I took pictures of Sweet Pea, while we shopped. Click for larger images.

Looking angelic, probably at the beginning of the adventure.

She asked me to "take a picture of me doing this." So I did.

Sweet Pea doing her impersonation of Auntie Jodi, towards the end of the torturous trip to IKEA.

EDIT: FYI, I spent nothing. Evildeb spent around a $150.

Since I sometimes run out of words, I thought I'd give you an image. That's Yoshimi my little japanese girl piggy bank. she sits on my monitor here at work.

ummm... I bought a digital camera with some of my bonus. That's why you are getting pictures.

Being a Gemini "makes you an unreliable, roguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly." Your toothpaste is "picked up from unguarded retail displays - you didn't pay for it, so why should you give a damn about how it's squeezed." You have four favorite sins, two for each twin, because you are the "dilettante of depravity," Vanity, Lust [because it's fun], Envy, and Greed.

Extra bonus for you, Liloo, your bitch factor. The gemini bitch factor is A++, you are the zodiac's Bitch Queen.

Well, Romy, you are a Virgo, and this means "you are a peevish, hypercritical anal-retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail." You don't have tubes of toothpaste, you have "3 x 365 individual pre-wrapped disposable toothbrushes, each loaded with the precise amount of toothpaste needed for one cleaning." Your favorite sin is "Vanity, the lighter side of Pride. And you do something clever with Gluttony, reversing it to make a homely little nameless sin of sucking all the joy, taste, and mouth feel out of food."

Nice!

Of course there is a ton more in the book. Each sign is a chapter.

Don't piss Becky off!

"On the Darkside, this makes you a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium-clad granite." As far as your toothpaste goes, "after a five minute rant in the bathroom, when you throw everything out the window looking for your tube of toothpaste, you finally find it in a laundry basket. You hammer it flat with your bare hands." Your favorite sin is Wrath, or Anger, because you "get to do the shouting." Although you might consider Greed as it "makes a useful indoor sin for the older arien whose form is slipping."

My stepmother is going to start selling stun-guns. She asked me if I wanted one. What do you think I said? "Hell YEAH I want a stun gun! that would rule! i could go out and fight crime with it!" I then demonstrated to all my coworkers what would happen to them if they annoyed me, once I got my stun-gun. Bzzzzaaapppt!

I've been browsing through this book, Darkside Zodiac. Obviously, it's about the darkside of your astrological sign. It's very tongue in cheek. I am a Libra, and on the darkside this makes me "a vain, shallow, petulant spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance, and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket." Duh. My favorite deadly sin, If I am forced to chose, would be actually be three, Greed, Vanity, and Sloth. With sloth being my main motivator. YEAH!! And, if asked the question whether, as a Libra, I squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom, or middle, if i replace the cap, the answer is "you don't have toothpaste in the tubes, since squeezing involves effort." Brilliant!