April 2005 Archives

first ever recent photo of me on this blog. I am smirking. It took several smirks to get it right, Marie was acting as smirk judge. I have several. Smirks that is.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

This week's 50 word fiction theme is inspired by my little brother, and my search referral phrases. Ever since I told you the story of going to "fucking Nova Scotia", I get several Nova Scotia search strings a day. Yesterday's crop gave me the following theme: your story should include vasectomies and Nova Scotia. Now, if you think that you can't fit both in a story, that's ok. But you only get the super extra gooey chocolate chippy bonus points if you have both. And you want the super extra gooey chocolate chippy bonus points, don't you? Of course you do.

This means you, J.J.

“So, where is he?” she demanded, her frenzied packing halted while she listed to the voice on the phone. “Well, he’s sadly mistaken if he thinks Nova Scotia is far enough away. Wait until I get my hands on him!! I made it very clear ... NO VASECTOMIES UNTIL 2013!!”

"No problemo... I just got an email from him with a bunch of details about the deal. Which I find incredibly ironic, since I just shot an email off to him 5 seconds before asking for details about the deal!"
"That's not irony, you moron, it's a coincidence!!"
"Shhh...Amelia, settle down."

Finally, something that makes sense to me. The Unitarian Jihad. I've always known that Unitarians are kick ass, it's about time we step up deal with prevalence of extreme fundamentalist thought, in this country. Read the article above, and then join the revolution and get your Unitarian Jihad Name.

"We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone."

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Nunchuku of Sweet Reason.

Get yours.

PS: Drink at Work Blog is my new favorite blog, and I got the link to the Unitarian Jihad name generator from there. In a post that shows that cartoonists are no more insane then girls who work in tech support for large software corporations. By the way, Amelia's Unitarian Jihad name is Sister Spikey Mace of Enlightened Compassion.

God dammit, I'm scared of America again.

The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and all UW schools may be denied access to birth control if a bill proposed by State Rep. Daniel LaMahieu [sic] becomes law. If passed, the UW Birth Control Ban bill will prohibit health care facilities on campus from dispensing, advertising or prescribing birth control to adult female students. LaMahieu proposed the bill because he feels access to birth control “encourages women to be promiscuous.”

What if it does? What if it does encourage women to be promiscuous. Who the hell does he think he is to sit in judgment of us? When did our government become the shepherds of female morality? Fuck you, Mr. LaMahlieu. And be sure to keep that morning after pill from rape victims, while you're at it. You pompous, arrogant, over compensating, presumptuous, uptight, misogynistic, conceited little prick.

Ok, I'm done. [fuckwit] I should be able to lay off the profanity now. I realize my potty mouth is what garners me all the interesting search phrases. [assclown]. No..... sorry.... I can't seem to move past the name calling stage. [prissy little cock sucker] Aaarrrrghhh!!!!

Now it's my patriotic duty to be slutty, doesn't he understand that?

link from This is not over.

After work today, Louise and I ate comfort food at Johnny Rocket's and worked on the review for Down on Ponce, for Satan's Bookclub. I was struggling. Never wrote a book review before. Usually, I just talk shit about stuff. Now I was trying to write a review, and BAMF... nothing. We made progress and I'm going to let it simmer over night and take a look at it again, in the morning.

Then we went to Barnes and Noble. *grin* I bought some new books to read. A Factory of Cunning by Philippa Stockley and Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley. I don't know which one to start first. Of course, I am also re-reading Lamb, as it is the book selection for the bookclub of Satan. [In case any of you were thinking about joining in.] It's one of my favorites, so it's no hardship.

And so ends a tiny bit of book news, from an otherwise uneventful day.

Jodi has nothing to say today, so she's posting a Sonic Youth song.

xox,

Amelia


MP3 File

Jeez'm rice but the new 2.3 version of Ecto is gorgeous! I don't know if any of you bloggers use a third party blogger aps to write your posts, if not, you should check out Ecto. I'm sorry, but when good applications get better, and prettier, I get all warm and mooshy inside. It's got this beautiful new Amazon button! Something I used to do by hand... oh dear, I'm drooling all over myself. I'm such a geek. I am truly, honestly giddy right now. There is just so much... software beauty coming out right now. Adobe Creative Suite 2, Ecto 2.3, Mac OS X 10.4 Tiger.... I just want to lick Tiger.

Now that you are disgusted and repelled by my übergeekiness, let me tell you my new favorite search string, "What influences do Mexican Foods have on Nova Scotia." How random is that? Unfortunately, I am sure they did not get the answers they were seeking from me. Now, I must ask that someone stop me from constantly looking at the search strings!! Seriously, it's becoming compulsive. I have no self control. Someone needs to take me in hand. I mean, good luck in doing that, but still... someone should at least try. I think Amelia is worried about me. Although yesterday we were both cracking up because the monkee was telling a golf story.

"Golf... naturally. I bet he has tiny little golf clubs."
"Amelia!!"

My punk rock little brother, Josh, is investigating low cost vasectomies, because he doesn't want to "breed." And I'm ok with that, I understand he doesn't want to have kids. But I think a low cost vasectomy is a bad idea. Besides, most doctor's won't give a one to someone his age, he's too young. He insists that he really really does not want to have kids. Also, he insists that the world is going to end in 2012, as predicted by the Mayans. So why have kids. Makes sense, so I made a deal with him, if the earth still exists in 2013 I will get him a vasectomy for his birthday. His 31st birthday, Feb. 2013, if he still does not want kids, I will buy him a vasectomy. In the mean time, it's condoms. Everyone here is my witness. [I'll start saving because, no offense Ancient Mayan culture, but ... have you met Nostrodamus? You guys would get along great.]

Any money he makes that can be used for a vasectomy should be set aside for his teeth. Or to attend to vegan culinary school.

Ok, so I wasn't really #6 on a "good spanking" google search. I am, however, #100 on a msn search for "hot slut." out of 231+ million hot sluts out there. That's not bad. Still, you've got to be pretty devoted to finding hot sluts, to stick it out until #100. I was probably a disappointment.

But I am curious about #231,355,502... I don't think they are living up to their full potential.

Once upon a time there was a single Mom with two adorable children. Between the two, the little girl was definitely the more adorable, not to mention smart and witty. And very practical, for a five year old.

The single Mom met a Teacher, and they began dating. The Teacher was always over at the house, having dinner with the Mom and the two adorable children. At the end of the evening, the Teacher said his goodbyes, as he readied to return to his own home. The little girl thought this was silly. He was here all the freakin' time. He even corrected her table manners! So she said, "Why don't you just spend the night? My mom has a HUGE bed, there's plenty of room."

The single Mom looked away with a slightly embarrassed grin on her face. The Teacher's grin was less embarrassed and he said that maybe one night, he would see if he could sleep over. Eventually, the single Mom and the Teacher got married. And the little girl was doomed to hear this story repeated over and over for the rest of her life.

The little girl grew up and the family lived happily every after. Until they got divorced. And the little girl decided that maybe marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and she had it right in the first place. It's better just to invite boys to spend the night.

The End

ps: not that the little girl was ever sorry that her mom married the Teacher.
pps: the adorable little girl is currently doing her best to avoid a book review that is not going well.

This morning I woke up early, couldn't go back to sleep. So eventually I gave up, got dressed and went out to run errands. I went down to "Babies R Us" to buy presents for my cousin Kirsten's baby shower tomorrow. She's having a boy. I was put into a coma that only the übercute can cause, I must have been in their an hour trying to find baby clothes that satisfied me all levels. It had to have that baby cuteness, something that would make people say "awwwww!" But it could not be so cutesy it made me gag. Couldn't have too many cute critters on it. Couldn't say something stupid like "Future Golfer." Had to be soft. Preferably with stripes, because i love them so. It's not as easy as it sounds. I wanted a pair of plain osh kosh overalls, hopefully the stripey kind. But no. And all the overalls I found had stuff all over them. I could have handled turtles, but when they also said "I love Mommie!" it made me cringe. But finally, I found some tiny baby stuff that I loved. Ummm. it had lions and it had giraffes and it had other animals and stripes. and it was blue. soooo cute! Widdle socks. Widdle hat. Lots of money.

So I came home super proud of myself for getting that present the day before, instead of the day of - my usual procedure. I worked on my review, I took some quizzes, I answered some email, and then I decided I deserved a nap. At 2:45 the phone rings and I hear my mom leaving me a message. Where am I? They thought I was coming to the shower? It started at two. The shower was today. And I had felt so ahead of the game, for once! So I threw on jeans that did not have a hole and took off. I decided the House of Skulls t-shirt was ok, because it was clean. By the time I got there, all the strawberries for the chocolate fondu were gone, but there was still pound cake. And pineapple.

In addition to having a baby, my cousin Kirsten is planning her wedding in October. Which may seem backwards, but we don't care about things like that in my family. It just seems like so much... planning for a baby in June, planning for your wedding in October. More than I could handle. Kirsten is on the petite side, and has always worn high heels. Shoes I could never walk in. Her feet are permanently on tippy toe, like a Barbie doll. But today, 7 months pregnant, she was in flats. Which is so strange to see.
Kirsten: I could have handled the heels, it's just that I am so hot lately, I couldn't bear to put on shoes, so I went with flip-flops.
My mom Pattie: It's ok, Kirsten, you don't need the fuck-me pumps anymore.
Jodi: bwwhahahahaa! My mom said fuck-me pumps!! She's been watching too much Sex in the City.

I told myself that I could go hang out in Barnes and Noble, when I finished my review of "Down on Ponce" for Satan's Bookclub. But instead I am taking personality tests that I got from Suzy. By the way, "hanging out in Barnes and Noble" is code for "grabbing a large stack of books, sitting in one of the comfy chairs, browsing through them and leaving, after buying some or all of them." I am having trouble with my review because a: I've never written one and it is not coming naturally to me and b: "Down on Ponce" is really hard to sum up and/or describe. What will most likely happen is, I will work on the review, but not finish, and go to Barnes and Noble anyway. Because I'm weak. And spoiled. And lacking in discipline. And a bunch of other fun things....

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.
Who's Your Inner European?

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of.
And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!
What kind of blogger are you?

Seriously? Are bloggers scared of me? That's awesome. Grrrrr

I was listening to Prince on the way to, and from, work. Which makes me want to unpack those boxes of cd's and find some funk.

You know, I'm not really #6 for "good spanking." If you follow the search link, it would definitely appear that I was. But a fresh google shows that I am not. I don't know what I was thinking. How on earth could I be #6? With all the spanking websites out there? Ridiculous. Yes, sure, I'm a little bit disappointed... but hey, people find me by looking up "boobies" as well. And that's something. Hardly surprising considering what I was talking about, when I first started this blog. Hooray for boobies!!*

I was in training all day again today. It was pretty interesting. I'm not going to bother telling you what it was a about. Technical stuff. I was late to work. I thought training started at 8:30, but no... started at 9. So, officially, I was ok. Mostly, during training, I was a smart ass. Mostly. It's my job. Someone has to be the comic relief. And I just can't help it! It's a compulsion. People expect it of me. There is just so many things that need commenting on, you know? Luckily, the trainer seemed to appreciate the irreverent humor of my team. Not that it would have stopped us, if he had not. So immature.

It's a beautiful day here, in the low 70's. Which freaks Evildeb the hell out, because she is not outside. Despite the fact that she suffers from the SAD, really nice sunny days only seem to piss her off and make her crabby. I knew that whole SAD thing was a hoax. [Look Deb, it's sunny out, it's going to be 74 degrees, you have NO RIGHT to be pissy!!] We had pizza for lunch, out in the courtyard. It was lovely. And an ice cream man drove down the street between the waterfront and plaza buildings. Which is an excellent sign of good things to come. I would have worn the short pants, but I nicked myself shaving. Bad. Like, a quarter size nick. And it would not quit bleeding. In fact, I passed out due to blood loss. That's why I was sorta late to work.

My grandmother is currently dying, or going through the slow process of dying. She's 90, and has many health problems. She's deteriorated a great deal, since my granddad died. Right now, she has pneumonia, on top of her emphysema, her lungs are filling up with fluid, and she is getting less and less oxygen. She's too weak to cough. She is semi-lucid, but can't use her right hand, or control her bodily functions, but is eating. Every hour she gets a tiny bit worse. II'm getting a couple of updates a day, and it seems like I am just waiting to hear she has passed. It leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. I so want her to go peacefully. This doesn't sound peaceful to me. My uncle says she is aware of what is going on, that she is in the hospital, what is happening with her lungs. I imagine she knows she is dying. I wonder if she welcomes it, if she's impatient to get it over with. Her husband and her youngest son passed on before her, I imagine she wants to join them. In that country club in the sky. I have to admit, I wish she could sleep peacefully, she's not able to rest right now, because of the coughing and fluid in her lungs. I wish she could sink in to a deep restful sleep and let go. I don't want her to live like this. Nobody should have to live like this. So I have that weird feeling, the one where I know I can't really plan anything over the next week, because I might be going to Arizona any day. But... I had that same situation/feeling with Granddad, and he hung on for months.

Phase One of the big project at work is completed. Months and months of planning and work, done. And I've decided that I have not spent enough time in Barnes and Noble lately. Grabbing a big pile of books, and sitting in a comfy chair to browse through them. So that is definitely a plan for the weekend. I deserve books. Phase Two of the big project is now to begin. I call that the cleaning up phase. Busy, but not like Phase One.

*Don't forget, you too can have your own "Hooray for Boobies!" t-shirt. Never in my life have I had more comments on anything I wear. Girls love it, guys love it, cats, dogs, bunnies and squirrels love it too!

Death of a Salesman

ìHey, man, I guess we are playing phone tag. I got your email, so did everyone else since you ccíd almost the entire company. Ha-ha-ha! Not necessary, guy, I am your main contact here, just shoot me a ...î
*BANG!*
*FWUMP*
ìWhat? he said to shoot him! So I did!î

This week's challenge is to include some aspect of the sales industry. The nice thing about making up the challenge is I can write what I want, and then issue a challenge I've already met! Next week, someone else can issue the challenge first, if you like. We'll talk about that next week.

I like to look at my webstats, particularly the referrals. And search words. It's like having a collection of something. I just like to take them out and look at them. Because a certain phrase came up three times in one week, I followed the google link to see how I ranked. And I can now tell you that if you do a search for the phrase "good spanking" I am number six.

WHOO-HOO!! Number six! Looking to be number one!!

Arifa asked me an interesting question, after visiting Satan's Bookclub. Since I don't really believe in hell, do I believe in heaven?

Arifa: do you believe in heaven? because i was thinking about how you don't believe in hell...
Jodi: i believe in an afterlife of some kind. but not a christian heaven. per se. what about you?
Arifa i believe in cheese toast which i am having now
Jodi: oh my god! THAT IS HEAVEN! HEAVEN EXISTS!

I never really think about whether or not I believe in heaven. But I guess, if you are looking at a Judeo-Christian definition of heaven, I don't. It's such a good story though! Heaven and hell, the war of angels, Lucifer's fall from grace, which took seven days, I believe. It's an epically good story! But...

Jodi: it's like, what is good and what is evil? you know what good and evil are? they are constructs of man. if there is a higher place of existence, it probably does not anything to do with good and evil. whoa. i got kinda deep.

The more I think about quantum physics, which i do on a regular basis, the less I believe in heaven and hell. The more I try to conceptualize being made up of atoms, the less I believe the definition of God that Christianity, Judaism and Islam have come up with. When the reality of our existence is so much more amazing than what they gave us in their holy books. For as long as I can remember, even as a young child, I would stop and think about my birth, the fact that I existed. Once I understood how babies were made, I realized how very amazing it was that I was me, and not someone else. With all those sperm fighting for that egg, I won the lottery of existence. It could have very well been a different sperm that made it there first and POOF, I would not be here. I could trip on these thoughts for hours. Or I would lay on the ground and look up at the night sky. I'd picture myself there, lying on the grass, in relation to my neighborhood, to my town, to my state, and so on until I was attempting to relate myself to the universe at large. And it would freak me out.. what a damn miracle it was. What a terribly unlikely, mathematically impossible miracle it was, that our galaxy existed in this universe of galaxies, that our planet existed among all these other planet with no apparent life on them, how on this planet, there lived a girl in some state - some city, who existed only because one out of hundreds of millions of sperm made it to the egg first.

Which may be why I never took drugs, growing up.

I was in training all day, I did not spend a single minute at my desk. During one of the breaks, KK and I were walking across the street from the plaza building to the waterfront building. We were on the sidewalk, next to a giant dumpster, that has a long chute stretched up to the 2nd floor. They are doing construction up there. In her hand, she held one of the coveted Lemon Bars from upstairs. These things are very very good. I was about tell her about the Lemon Bar addiction that Louise and I went through, for about three weeks, when all of the sudden a heard of joggers came towards us. About twelve young men, all in very good shape, the majority of them with no shirt on, surrounded us and jogged past.
"Oh those lemon bars are... are... lemon and the ... yummy...goodness....uh.... oh my!"
*giggle*
"When you tell this story, be sure to mention how most of them had their shirts off."
"Oh, I will."

I really did not want to go to ball class today. It's so hard! I hate working hard. Sure, the balls are bouncy and fun. But we don't get to bounce up and down on them very much. We do things with them that hurt. Maybe not today, but tomorrow they will. But, my very own ball was due to arrive today, and I needed to pay for it. And, ball class is kinda fun, except for the whole working hard part. So I asked Amelia what to do. I do that occasionally now that I look at her every day.

"why would you even ask me that? Of course you should go to ball class!"

Amelia is not lazy like me. She's a risk taker and an adventurer. And you know, she has excellent bone structure. Very striking woman. She, too, is not impressed with the monkee. And this morning, when the he was upset, and damn near yelling, she rolled her eyes.

"What a slimey little toad."

Sometimes, she mimics him back to me, and I have to concentrate on not laughing.

"Hey guy... shoot me an email. I'll tell you what, I'd like to shoot him, but not with an email. Is this what men of your time are like? Hand me the phone, hold it up to me, I want to call this guy up and explain to him what real men are like"

Oh, Amelia, you're so bad.

and i don't know why!

EDITED TO ADD: you know what it was? It was that evil test down below... the one that tells me what a lazy, snacky, sloppy, romantic, paranoid, needy, mystical, rebellious, avoidant, immature, albeit intelligent and artistic, slut I am. with it's sneaky "div" tages in the results!

Don't even think about telling me what to do, tho.

I have meetings from 10-3 and 4-5. Despite working Saturday and Sunday, I have not finished all the work that was due on Friday. And some that is due today. Including a report for my 1:30 meeting. Which I will be late to because my meetings actually OVERLAP!!

No fun. No productivity. Hopefully I'll do something extremely embarrassing during one of these meetings, so at least I'll get some blog fodder out of the day. Chances are fair to middling.

Better go get my Dr. Pepper now.

"Razor Valentine" by Thea Gilmore


MP3 File

Since today was so exciting, as to give me very few stories to tell, I am going to give some music. I worked today. From home, mostly, but I am going into the office tomorrow. Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance, and so I am working on the weekend. It will be better soon.
When I stopped for my 44oz Dr Pepper, some guy walked into the am/pm, approached me at the ATM and said, "can I have the keys to the restroom?"
"Ummm... I don't work here."
"Oh... I thought that was the cash register."
"Oy."

That's it. See? So, I'm going to play Thea Gilmore's "Pirate Moon" from her CD Avalanche for you. And you will be haunted by her voice and go out and buy it. If that doesn't work, let me know, and I'll play "Razor Valentine" for you. Then you will be powerless against her!!

I have found myself constantly updating Dr. Stevil on the Monkee's emotional state, throughout the day. As well as relaying some of my favorite anecdotes and colloquiums. So, for his sanity and mine, I put my headphones and set iTunes on shuffle.

Random tunes played while I attempted to regain my sanity:
Paradise By The Dashboard Light from the album "Bat Out Of Hell" by Meat Loaf
Wild Honey from the album "All That You Can't Leave Behind" by U2
I Miss You from the album "Post" by Bjork
The Interlocutor from the album "Hot" by Squirrel Nut Zippers
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow from the album "Blow In The Wind" by Me First And The Gimme Gimmes
Relax from the album "Welcome To The Pleasuredome" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You) from the album "The Best Of Aretha Franklin" by Aretha Franklin
Raiders Of The Lost Ark Main Theme by John Williams
jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye from the album "Vanilla Sky" by Jeff Buckley
Mozart - Larghetto (06.2 by Ambrosio String Quartet)
Make Mayan A Hawaiian from the album "Dirt Track Date" by Southern Culture on the Skids

Oh I do enjoy singing along with the nice Mr. Loaf.

When come back, bring pie.

He knew it was a bad idea, but after months of nagging, he gave in, he let them fix him up. Standing in her kitchen, uncomfortable, avoiding her gaze, he wondered if his friends knew about her more prurient insterests. It seemed like such a waste of a good pie.

Yes, I cheated. I bumped the post time up to a minute past midnight so I could go to bed. I'm going to be freaked out busy tomorrow, and I wanted to make sure I got a fifty word fiction up. Feel free to write one too, but don't forget the challenge.

Weird comment problems on all my blogs. You may receive "precondition failed" errors. That means you used a naughty word like "sexy." I'm working on getting it fixed.

The first bookclub selection has been chosen, over at Satan's Bookclub. I've also added two mail lists for bookclub info and review announcements. Check it!

If you would like to participate in tomorrow's 50 word fiction, please do! A challenge has been issued, however. The story must use the word "prurient."

A comment from DrinkJack reminded me to tell you where EvilDeb is right now.

">Secure facility, hummmm, there should be video of this. EvilDeb, can you get it?"

No, Jack, she cannot get video, she is not at work. She is at Disneyland, with AlmostCertainlyGoingToEndUpEvilMaggie and MoreThanSlightlyEvilJacob. A.C.G.T.E.U.EvilMaggie's primary daycare providers, her grandparents, are in Africa. So Lloyd and Evildeb each took some time off, to take turns caring for her day. Lloyd took a week and two days off. He took Maggie to Enumclaw. Evildeb took three days off, she had to go to Disneyland.

Last week, we had a chat that when something like this:
Evildeb: I want to GO somewhere when I am at home with Maggie.
Jodi: Like where? The zoo? Orcas Island? The mall?
Evildeb: like disneyland.
Jodi: ha! well sure, but....
Jodi: besides, you were just there.
Evildeb: last september.
Jodi: yeah, exactly. and you went to vegas.
Evildeb: in january.
Jodi: yeah, exactly. I am sure there is lots of stuff you can find to do to keep you busy for three days.
<Evildeb: maybe :(

And I thought that was it, she would come up with a rational, less costly plan. But no. Our girl simply cannot be idle. And anywhere else is better than wherever she is. I suppose she also wanted sunshine. But the sun is shining here, right now. She flew M.T.S.EvilJacob out from college to join them, as well.
But I enjoy this trait in Evildeb. It makes me seem relatively sane, financially. I try to reciprocate by wigging out in different ways for her, that make her feel better about herself, as well.

I'm taking out the boring ones, like "i," "a," and "the." I am also x'ing out some letters of a popular talk radio jock I hate, but shows up on the top search keywords every damn month.

1. pussycat
2. faster
3. banana
4. likxs
5. tom
6. type
7. red
8. rejected
9. sex
10. sexy
11. porn
12. girls
13. squishy
14. agent
15. provocateur
16. fuck
17. pictures
18. tape
19. babysitter
20. jodi
21. mp3
22. love
23. make
24. download
25. baby

Sexy Banana! You've got to ask yourself, "what does that say about me?"

My goodness but I am sore today. My first meeting of the day was at 8am, on the other side of the building. I was late. I could not be made to move faster than a gentle stroll. I have another meeting in 23 minutes, which I am hoping I can participate in from the floor, where I will be lying. Jeez'm rice, how was I supposed to know that I was going to be doing pilates? I am looking forward to getting my ball next week, as I think I'd enjoy using it as a desk chair and bouncing up and down all day, bouncing is almost as fun as spinning, which is a close second to rocking back and forth, in terms of "things to do when sitting in an office chair that won't get you fired and yet keep you from going out of your mind."

I don't even have anything interesting to say, today. I am too sore to be entertaining. I'm going to try some of that Arnica cream when I get home. But I can't even reach all my sore places. I'm going to have to stop, on the way home for the vodka, Kailua and cream. Because I know that THAT will reach everywhere. Isn't there an "h" in kailua somewhere?

Mark Morford's article this morning depressed me. I mean, he's still my new boyfriend and all, but it was still a downer. I came home from work, read it, and immediately had to go hide under my covers and hum softly to myself. Eventually, Pru came and sat on me, and I felt better. So I got up, took a nice long bath, got something to eat, and then watched Revelations. Which is about, naturally, the End of Days. So I can't type long, because I'm going to have to go back under my covers in a minute. It's a good thing I'm not diagnosed with depression or anything. Or have a bookclub in Satan's name. ummm...

Today was my first Stability Ball class, the exercise class I signed up for, which so shocked the world. Turns out, I'm not very stable, kids. I already knew that. I spent some time on the floor.... it's hard to not just roll right off that so-called "stability" ball. The teacher said things like "Now for you, let's just concentrate on staying on the ball, we'll work on form later," to me. Tessa was on the ball next to me, but Louise was across the room, and she was struggling as much as I was. The teacher would demonstrate the next exercise, Louise, slightly behind her, would make a horrible "you are fucking joking, right?" face, Tessa and I would start to giggle, and the teacher asked if she was going to have to separate us. I think we've talked one of my favorite ex-managers to sign up as well. We need a fourth for when we partner up. The worst part was, for warm ups today, we did squat thrusts. SQUAT THRUSTS!! I haven't done that since 8th grade PE class when the coach decided it would be fun to pretend we were all in boot camp, and had us do hundreds upon hundreds of calisthenics like squat thrusts, push ups, sit-up and chin ups. And then made us run. Fun. But eventually, he was caught cheating on his wife, the cheerleading coach over at the high school, with a girl from her soccer team, a student. So I guess he got his karmic payback for that.

Aaaanyway, I'm already feeling "it" in some muscles. Oh yeah, you really feel "it" after one of these ball workouts. No, you do. I'm not kidding. I'm already sore. Leave me alone, I'm headed back under my covers now.

Today was my 6th anniversary at my P.O.E. Six years I've worked in the same building, same secure parking garage. This morning I pull up to the security gate, lower my power window and fish my badge out from its cubby hole in the dash, thrust out my hand and THWACK! I hit glass. I furrowed my brow and thought, that can't be, I pressed the window button, I heard it go down, I hear the outside right now! And looking at the window I thrust my hand out again and hit glass. Once wasn't enough to make me believe that I had rolled down the rear driver's side window. So, rectified that, reached out, held my badge up to the security box - nothing. I did it again, and again. I swiped two or three more times, and someone pulled up behind me, my co-worker M-roo. I made the international waving gesture of "I don't know! It no working!" Wagging my card back and forth. She got out of her car, with her badge, and said, "let me try mine."

She held hers up against the scanner, and the gate opened. Like magic. Or, actually, just like it always does when you swipe your badge across the scanner. Instead of the intercom speaker, like I had just done. About seven times. "I don't understand!! Why isn't it working! What's wrong!"

guh.

See what amusement park ride you are.

From Judes.

My uncle and I are going to go on a roller coaster tour of the US, someday. Canada too. It's going to be called the Big Ass Roller-coaster Fun Fest. AKA: BARFF. No barfers allowed. We are going to have t-shirts with the sign safety man, leaning over a garbage can, with the big red circle/slash thingy. We are going to rent a winnebego, and my aunt is allowed to come because she is going to cook for us. It's going to be awesome!!

I'm in a baaaaad mood. Really wrath of god type bad, you know what I'm saying? Sure you do. In my new location, at my Place Of Employment, my dept. butts up against another department now. And right behind my little pod is someone notorious for the volume of his phone voice. and he is on the phone ALL DAY LONG. We shall call him Monkee. The people in Monkee's dept. have relegated him to his current position because it is as far away from them as possible. The problem is, that current position is near me. Management, on my side, is unsure they can do anything about this. I am totally sure I can do something about it. If given permission. Right now, I'm going all laissez faire about it. It's not my place. But, if there is nothing we can do about it, I don't think it is out of line to go over there and tell him to STICK IT IN HIS PIE HOLE if I can still hear him above the music playing in my headphones. Is there? No. Politely of course. The whole reason we sit in cubes, instead of offices is because "we" [and by we I mean not actually us] consider the interaction valuable, a certain kind of knowledge gained by osmosis. Which may have been true, back in the day, when we were all phone techs and needed immediate reaction/help. But now, not so much. And if one has to wear headphones all day to block out Monkees, well then, the point is moot, is it not? Not that there are enough offices for us. It's kinda too late for that. And I am really disappointed and sulky about that. Because I wanted really tall walls, up to the ceiling. And a door. More than anything else. Instead, I get Monkee.

No, seriously, I should be able to go over and request he lower his phone voice. Right? Seriously. [stickitinhispiehole]

On the positive side, I currently have this poster in my cube. We had a collection of them lining the walls in our old space. No one really knew where they came from, or who they belonged to. So we sort, quietly, appropriated the ones we wanted for our cubes when we moved. She's not in mint condition, but she sells for $250 on the web. So it's pretty cool. I'm digging Amelia.

This man is my new boyfriend. Most likely that means he is married or gay. He knew where to buy the best dildo's in SF. So...

Louise posted his wonderful article about Harry Potter critics on Satan's Bookclub, from which that wonderful title came. Such genius that both of us almost gave up writing entirely. Because we felt we'd never reach that pinnacle. Almost.

I can't sleep because I'm having vicious allergy attacks. I think the whole neighborhood mowed their lawns this weekend. Green grass is my very best allergy. I've worked very hard in my life to make it at least 7 x's as bad as all the other allergies in my head. My head is full of cement, stuff is dripping out of my nose and down my throat and I've given up breathing. Which is making me very light headed and dizzy. But it's worse when I lay down. Of course.

So I was standing there in the kitchen, breathing through my mouth, staring up at the halogen lights that I don't really like. And I lowered my sights to the butcher block beside the fridge that held the diet coke my stepdad left behind when he headed back up north today. When I spied some cookbooks. Which I had not noticed in the six months I've been back in the house. One of them was called "Help, my Apartment has a Kitchen." That sounded my speed. So I was browsing through it and, low and behold, the most craved food I never ever ever get to eat... Beef Stroganoff. It said it was an easy recipe. Maybe I'll try it. It requires me handling food, however. And then preparing it. And I never feel like eating food, if I have to prepare it.

Then I saw a Pictorial Cookbook from Nova Scotia. And that made me laugh. Fucking Nova Scotia! You see, about six months after the divorce was final, my stepdad asked me to stop by the house and water his garden for him, while he went camping. I asked him where he was going and he said he was going to to go up to Canada... drive around... camp a little. At this point, he still had not admitted he was seeing someone. So he takes off, when he gets back, he gives me a cd that he bought for me. In Nova Scotia. He did not drive up to Canada and do a little camping. He went to FUCKING NOVA SCOTIA!! Look, here's Seattle and ..... here is Nova Scotia. You've got Seattle, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon... Nova Scotia.* In my family, it is tradition to tell someone when you are leaving the general area, especially if you are getting on a plane, so if it crashes, we know to drive to wherever and look for your body. You certainly do not go to the OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING CONTINENT, leaving the Country, without maybe a little note. It was apparent that my mom used to take care of such things. Anyway, when I relayed the story to her, I was still rather stunned, so every time it came out "He flew to fucking NOVA SCOTIA!! Nova fucking Scotia!!"

So, it's become a bit of a personal joke that whenever someone does something so stunningly different from what they told you they were going to do, because they didn't want to tell you something. Like the fact that they are seeing the woman that maybe they were sort of seeing before the separation and she happens to be from Nova Scotia so you are both going there. I like to call that "Going to Fucking Nova Scotia." I have absolutely nothing against Nova Scotia. It looks absolutely gorgeous! In fact, I'd like to go there some day. I'm going down on record to say that I would like to visit fucking Nova Scotia. As well as Montreal. And Nunavut! I'd like to go to Nunavut to visit Elle. Just not in the winter, as I don't think I have the proper coat for the climate.

*I love you Eddie Izzard!

I just got back from picking up a 44ozer - Dr. Pepper. Edgar 16 - Sullen Weekend Edgar, was eating a soft serve ice cream cone from Dairy Queen, explaining to me how she never got off work in time to get one, I guess someone had brought her this one. Or maybe she picked it up on the way to work. Anyway, it reminded me of a story I was telling my coworkers earlier this week. Which I shall share with you now.

When I was in high school, my second job ever was at McDonald's. I lasted from about the beginning of the school year, until just around Christmas. Shockingly, I did not get along with all my managers. Even as a innocent 16 year old, I seemed to expect to be treated with a modicum of respect. Scheduling someone's shift to end at 9, but the making them ask permission to leave is bad enough. But when you then send them on 45 minutes of stupid tasks before letting them go, is just down right rude. I don't have to ask permission to start my shift, I think, under normal circumstances, it should end fairly close to what's written on the schedule. But I didn't hold the power, did I? That was just one of my problems with my career at McDonalds. The polyester uniform itched. I smelled like french fries constantly, they never let me work drive thru, which honestly, was my best position. Probably because I wanted to work it. I had to work the birthday parties. oy.

Anyway one afternoon I was working with my arch enemy of mangers, an tough young woman who really should have just gone ahead and joined the military, she was a perfect fit. She did not find me delightful at all. It was really quiet and I was the only one behind the counter. A woman came up with two kids and ordered two soft serve ice cream cones. I made the first one, and up came the manager.
"that's too big!" she hissed. I've not had many people actually hiss at me, but she did.
"what?" I asked, innocently, blue birds and woodland creatures gathering around me, to bask in my joie de la vie.
"THAT is not a regulation sized ice cream cone! Make a new one!"
I glanced over at the mother, who was only a few feet away with an apologetic look, and set the ice cream cone down. I made two other ice cream cones, of regulation size and shape, under my managers watchful eye and handed them to the mother. Who seemed sympathetic to the fact that it was not me, but rather that nazi manager.

At my McDonald's when food needed to be thrown away, you would yell back to "the grill" and say "WASTE ONE WHATEVER!!" they would return the yell and mark it down on a sheet. One cheeseburger wasted. Seeing as tho there was nobody in the lobby, I walked the offensive ice cream cone over to the sheet, and standing next to a giant trash cone turned to look at my manager.
"WASTE ONE ICE CREAM CONE!!!" I yelled. and then brought the cone to my mouth and inhaled as much ice cream as I could in one mighty brain freezing suck. There was ice cream all over my face, I took one bite of the styrofoam cone and then tossed it the trash, marked it down on the sheet, and walked passed my manager, still looking her in the eye, as I took my place behind the counter, wiping my face with napkins.

It is, to this day, one of my proudest moments.

I though, hey - Jodi... you don't have any regular features on your blog. Nothing that people can count on. How about you make one up. And so I did. Welcome to the first 50 Word Fiction Friday. In which I write a 50 word fiction. Pretty simple. Now... let me think....

Good Listener

He glanced up from the bottle on the table, the label torn all along the edges, “Thanks for listening to me...you’re different from the women I usally meet in this place.”
Under the table, her fingers flexed as her claws extneded. “Let me guess, I’m not like the other girls.”

My house is mere minutes from Microsoft's main campus, in Redmond. I was about thisclose to driving down there and chucking rocks at it's front door until someone came out and told me why IE for windows sucks so very very hard. Louise and I were trying to fix a problem with our three column layout on Satan's Bookclub and Win IE. Frankly, my first inclination was to just say "fuck off IE!" I probably did a few times. I don't have a pc to test with at home, so fixing the problem meant me trying anything I could think of and then pinging Louise on AIM and saying "look at it now!! look at it now!!" So I was going to drive down to the main campus and ask them what made them so special that they could just blow off any and all CSS compatibility? We have received sooo many comments and emails today! I don't know where people are finding Satan's Bookclub, but they are already stopping by. So we wanted it to work for everyoe. We fixed it. Louise had some old CSS that worked and I compared it to the new stuff and BAMF! three columns all in a row. Even in microsuck IE.

Everyone who uses IE... switch to Firefox now. I have two words for you, two words that will forever change the way you deal with the internet. Those words are "tabbed browsing." Trust me.

Because I just had a bunch of New Yorkers ambush me from their speaker phone, question my intelligence, my experiences, my honesty and worst of all MY PRODUCT!!! Usually, happy stuff like that only happens on Mondays. Dr. Stevil said it was painful to hear, so he put his headphones on. And he was only hearing my side of it.

meh.

I want to listen to some tunes to help reduce rage levels, but I haven't had time to unpack, so everything is still in boxes which are stacked around me. I can't find my headphones. Guess I'll have to blog instead. Remember when I posted the song from Shivaree? I told you that I would post the song that hooked me, made me a fan. Since, if everything goes according to plan, I will be seeing them live tomorrow, at Neumo's, I thought I'd play that song for you today. It's called "Goodnight Moon" and for a wanna be gal detective, lover of mysteries and puzzles, is the perfect song. It's a noir novel put to music.

Now I am going to see if I can dig out my headphones. I think I'll keep everything else packed. It's like working in a fort built of boxes. And cube walls. Except Kermie... I'm going to unpack my Kermit.

MP3 File

EDITED TO ADD: Dag nabbit! That's not what my audioblog posts are supposed to look like. They are supposed to have cute little purple buttons. WHY ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME, WORLD??

Hey... it's time. Enough is enough. Go kick it around and make sure it's sound for me, ok?

Well, there is a tie. Both Arifa and Romy got four out of five. For Romy, I have already begun working on her prize. I'll have to negotiate with Fee, to find out what she wants.

In no particular order:
Creativity
Freedom
Pleasure
Friendship
Personal Development.

Some of the others mentioned were in the running for a while. Like Inner Harmony and Wisdom and Economic Security. Some others fed into my key value. Like Helpfulness, I like being helpful, it gives me pleasure, but the real value is pleasure. So that's not a bad guess. And god bless Jack for thinking that I could possibly be orderly. If that was a key value, I'd be pretty dissatisfied with my performance. And, I'm not surprised that competitiveness came up. I've always enjoyed being competitive on some things. I think I got the grades I did, in High School, because I was competitive with my friends. But in the end, enjoying it, and really valuing it are different things, I guess.

So. There you go. How fun was that? Well, even if it wasn't, I got to go into class this morning and tell everyone that I was running a poll of blog readers, to find out what they thought my key values were. I don't think anyone had done that before. All in all, I think this proves that all I really want to do is have some fun.

should you chose to accept it, is to get Satan's bookclub up on Friday morning. [or late thursday night] so everyone can click the little links and make little fake comments in the fake entries and check everything out. make sure it's working all right. i will finish a book review over the weekend. maybe louise will too. [she's been sick sick sick. for weeks. it's the consumption, probably. for a scottish girl, she's very fragile. a frail hothouse flower, as we like to say.] And then it will be for real live, and ready for pimpin', on monday.

that is the plan and i am sticking to it. i found an acceptable cheat/ work around for CSS's shortcomings. so, the rest is just detail work. it shall be my number one priority until it's done. except for napping. and work... i'm trés busy at work. there are a couple of other things that might come up... but it's right up there. with a bunch of really important priorities. definitely before flossing my teeth and eating my vegetables.

I am in class all day today and tomorrow. Learning to deal with my growth, professionally and personally. Learning to MANAGE it. Right now, we are doing various exercises to identify our top five values. Before the class, I was to have one person pick what she thought was most important and least important. I chose Evildeb. My manager also got a chance to talk about me. I haven't seen what she wrote yet. We are encourage to find out "how others see us." So I am giving you, my little internet friends, the chance to pick what you think my top five values are. The one who comes closest to matching the final five gets a prize. I don't know what. What do you want? Music? I could make you a cd. Or I could draw you a picture with crayons. If someone in your life needs yelling at, I could do that. However, I won't accept responsibility for the consequences. I could write a limerick, celebrating your brilliance and insight. I don't know, you tell me.


ACHIEVEMENT (attaining goals, sense of accomplishment)
ADVANCEMENT (progress, promotion)
ADVENTURE (new and challenging experiences, risk)
AFFECTION (love, caring, fondness)
COMPETITIVENESS (striving to win, being the best)
COOPERATION (collaboration, teamwork)
CREATIVITY (being imaginative, inventive, original)
ECONOMIC SECURITY (steady, adequate income)
FAME (renown, distinction)
FAMILY HAPPINESS (close relationships with family members)
FREEDOM (independence, autonomy, liberty)
FRIENDSHIP (close relationships with others, rapport)
HEALTH (physical and mental well-being)
HELPFULNESS (assisting others, improving society)
INNER HARMONY (being at peace with yourself and others, tranquility)
INTEGRITY (honesty, sincerity, standing up for beliefs)
INVOLVEMENT (participating with and including others, belonging)
LOYALTY (commitment, dedication, dependability)
ORDER (organized, structured, systematic)
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT (learning, strengthening, realizing)
PLEASURE (fun, enjoyment, good times)
POWER (influence, importance, authority)
RECOGNITION (respect from others, acknowledgment, status)
RESPONSIBILITY (accountability, reliability)
SELF-RESPECT (belief in your own abilities, self-esteem)
SPIRITUALITY (faith, strong spiritual and/or religious beliefs)
WEALTH (abundance, getting rich)
WISDOM (discovering knowledge, insight, enlightenment)

Believe me, I am not stalling on Satan's Bookclub. One piece is kicking my ass. I thought it would be no big deal, I thought I would just search around on the internet and find out how to make the sidebars extend all the way down to the bottom of the page. But NO!! It's just never that easy, is it?

Sigh. So, don't think I am just hanging out, chatting with Dr. Stevil while he drinks tequila and watches American Idol. That's ridiculous!

Last night, Tessa, Dr. Stevil, KK , her b.f., Cheasy, and I went to see Sin City at the the Cinerama. But before we did, we went to Mama's Mexican Kitchen, for food - yes, but mostly for margaritas. Now, I don't drink often. I don't like wine or beer. [technically I am allergic to beer.] And I never ever drink and drive. Since I'm always driving, I rarely drink. But I wasn't driving last night. Steve drove us downtown, and we walked from the cinema to Mama's. So I had a margarita. One is really all it takes with me. I'm a cheap date. One margarita for me, put me on par with those who had had at least two.

Consequently, everything was very very funny last night. Tessa, in particular thought I was hysterical. I thought I was hysterical. The concessions guy thought I was kinda funny, but I think he was enjoying Tessa's reaction to me more.

Me: Stevil, go ahead and get us some seats, Tessa owes me a drink.
Dr. Stevil: where do you want to sit?
Me: uhhhhh.... I don't care.... facing the screen!
Tessa: facing the screen! bwahahahaaa!
Me: well, what was I supposed to say? "Seat 209, please?"

So Tessa and I found the entire evening to be extremely funny. The seats in the Cinerama rock back and forth. In order to prevent anyone from sitting in front of her, or behind her, Tessa would rock back and forth spasmodically, whenever anyone approached. See? Funny! Even sober I would have laughed at that. The movie had extreme stylized violence and it was uproariously funny. Actually, the movie was very noir and full of dry wit, we would have enjoyed it without the alcohol.

But the best part of the evening came after the movie, with Tessa, in the women's restroom. She walked up to the sink, hit the soap pump and squealed.

Me: what happened?
Tessa: I hit the soap and it shot me square in the face.
Me, laughing hysterically: And I didn't even arrange to have that happen! It's like a gift to me!
Tessa: I got a money shot! It gave me a money shot!
Me currently unable to speak coherently.
Tessa: I feel like a porn star.
Me: I'm so blogging you on this one.

I don't know if you've had enough time to recover from the news that I worked outside this weekend. It might be too soon for me to tell you this, but... brace yourself. I've signed up for an exercise class. I know I know! It's shocking. It's only one day a week. Here at work. A stability ball class. I think you try to balance of big balls and maybe not fall off. As you can probably guess, I'm not going to be very skilled at it.

Crap! I have a meeting! Damn DLS time!!

I was just sitting in the living room, watching the Incredibles with my stepdad, I'm pretty sure there were spiders in there. I could hear them. The poison is creeping through my body.. I can feel it... I should probably lie still.

I regret to inform you that, therefore, I'm fairly certain I will not be able to go to work tomorrow.

*flop*

Remember the time I was freaking myself out, reading about poisonous snakes? Well, I just spent about twenty minutes reading about poisonous spiders. I'm not afraid of snakes, but I am afraid of spiders. I tried to convince myself I wasn't, but it didn't work. And now, it never will because I was reading about the Hobo Spider, which is also known as THE AGGRESSIVE HOUSE SPIDER!! [don't look to that website for the truth about spiders, it's one of those ZOO websites. They always take the side of the animal] You know, people used to laugh at me, when i told them that spiders would jump straight for your neck, if you got too close. But look at that! That spider is so aggressive, they named it aggressive!! It's bite can rot your flesh. People used to blame it's evil demonic bite on the brown recluse spider. Guess where the hobo spider lives, when it's here in the United States. Go on... guess! That's right, Seattle. There is probably an aggressive house spider living at the foot of my bed right now. it's going to eat my toes.

Arifa says they only live in the houses of bad people. That's probably true, right? Uff da.

Serious bonus points for today's title.

Not that I am planning on moving or anything.

Gov. Rod Blagojevich approved an emergency rule Friday requiring pharmacies to fill birth control prescriptions quickly after a Chicago pharmacist refused to fill an order because of moral opposition to the drug.

Link from This is Not Over.

Cost of postcard postage to Canada - 50 cents. Entertainment derived from anonymously sending a complete stranger a postcard pretending to be a squirrel? Priceless. I have no idea why I do some of the things I do, believe me. But given the fact that I've done it, how weird is it that DrinkJack sent me a picture of a squirrel?

Ok, I did something today that I think may shock some of you. I apologize in advance. I don't want to upset you. But, after I came back from running an errand this afternoon, I... well... you see.... I WORKED OUTSIDE IN THE YARD! shhhh... don't be scared. It was freaky for me too. Actually, it was not so much the yard as the driveway. Over the past week we've had a lot of rain and wind storms. My driveway was covered in twigs, branches, needles and pine cones. Today was really the first day without rain, so I swept the driveway. It's not a huge driveway, but it does curve to the side so it's larger than one of those regular driveways. Normally, Ron uses a leaf blower to clean off the driveway. But it needs servicing. It's got no blow, right now. Only Ron is patient enough to use it. I just wanted to clear off the driveway, not eat off it. So I used a large broom. I did it by hand!

Afterwards I was totally done in, so I had to come inside and read books. Speaking of which, I got a package in the mail today, well, yesterday actually, from England. Yes! How exotic. Elle sent me a book about Lord Byron. Except, in this book, Lord Byron is Vampire!! Oooooo... she knows how I love a good vampire story. Why shouldn't Lord Byron be a vampire? It fits. And the book has the price in pounds on it! Trés European.

Stupid daylight savings time starts tonight. I hate losing an hour. Anything that deprives me of precious weekend time or sleeping time is not okay.

hey kids. Just spoke to my little brother, he's doing great! I can't believe how well he's doing. What a lucky boy. First, for having me as a sister. And then second for that whole doing great after having a truck smash into his fragile vegan bones and knock him out of the crosswalk, down the street and through the door of a 7-11. But mostly for having me as his sister. Speaking of 7-11... a slurpee sounds good right about now.

So, I'm just working on Marie's blog redesign and SBC and listening to Shake the Shack on KEXP. I wish I wish I wish that their stream fed the title and artist to iTunes. So I could hit the little iTunes button in Ecto and let you know I am listening to Girls On Dope by Sonoramic Commando. Man, I love Shake the Shack.

Anyway, yes, working on websites. So feel free to come bug me online if you are around. If you hurry, you can head over to KEXP and listen to Little Ramona (Gone Hillbilly Nuts) by BR5-49. Or just go listen to one of the archived shows.

Now send me funny things. I need funny things.

Intruder by the Surfcoasters

Today was a different kind of day for me. I feel like my emotions have been turned up high the last week. And today was a veritable potpourri of feelings. Most of which I shall keep to myself. But some of them you are going to have to hear about, mes pommes de terre d'Internet. But first, I want to clarify a few things.

1. That picture up in the corner, of the girl on the computer, is not meant to represent me, in the strictest sense, any more than the swinging girl used to. I edited her to give her more of a me-ness. I gave her my fair swedish/norwegian/irish/scottish skin. I lighted her hair to be more like mine. I changed the colors of her clothes, desk and chair, and I changed her glasses, which were black with blue lenses. My glasses are green. I am not a tall, willowy, vector stick. I could go on the South Beach diet, the Atkins diet and the Zone diet all at once, and I ain't ever going to be willowy. Or tall. My people are a curvier people. We are not meant to walk the catwalk in strange designer couture. We are meant to lounge on chaise lounges, and have cute boys brings us drinks on silver trays. Also, my boobies are bigger. HA! take that vector stick.
2. I'd like to thank Evildeb for letting me mess with her identity and portray her in almost any manner I see fit. She is remarkably accepting that way. For someone so evil.
3. No matter what she says, Fee does actually like me.
4. Thomas has a wonderful way of taking something you think is a hang up, and making it sound rare and wonderful. Thank goodness for chat logs.

Oh, and Matt from DC is totally in love with me. I discovered that chatting with him last night. it's not surprising, really. We have some shockingly similar traits. We are both funny, we both like macs and hate pc's, we both prefer bookstores to smokey bars. But it's not meant to be. He's east coast Washington, I'm west coast. He's got a bird, I've got a cat. He's mountain dew and I'm Dr Pepper. He likes to be active and exercise, I like to take naps. He wants children, and I still behave as tho I were a child myself. Not to mention he is young and studying to be a lawyer and I'm old enough to be his babysitter! It's probably pretty natural to have a crush on your babysitter. Do little boys grow up thinking fondly of their babysitters? Not me, they didn't.

"Ok, maggots, it's time to go to bed."
"But mommy says that we don't have to go to bed until the clock on the microwave says eight, three, oh. See, it doesn't say that. That's a seven and that's a five..."
"I know I know! But see, the microwave is messed up. Yeah, I messed it up when I was heating up the pizza. Here, I'll fix it. See? eight, three, oh."
"But we don't want to go to bed yet, we want to stay up and watch movies with you!"
"I know, sweetie, and as much as I'd like to watch Jungle Book for the 4th time tonight, I have to study. Believe me, I don't want to study. I would rather watch movies with you."
"What is that you are studying?"
"Errrr... history. I have to read this book tonight and find out if this guy here, he's Rafe Sterling, the King of the ... Pi-RA-tes. Yes, King of the Pirates. I need to find out if he ever wins the battle against this woman here, the cold and icy Princess Melody. Currently a resident of Prudytown on the Virgin Islands. But not for long. Now come on... head upstairs before I break out my Mad Babysitter voice!"