faster pussycat... type! type!

I'd like to apologize to all the people who arrive here looking for tips on how to type, or get drunk, faster, information about the band, Faster Pussycat, or, lately, the Pussycat Dolls. (I feel especially sorry for the last group.) As far as typing goes, I got faster when i started doing medical transcription for a physical therapist, when I was in college. That's back when we had TYPEWRITERS, kids. I was hooked up to a dictaphone. So, my methods are effective, just out of date. The drunk thing, I don't know... drink on an empty stomach, I'd guess. Or chose things with a higher alcohol content? Drink a lot of booze really fast?

Additionally, if those of you arriving here via "hot sluts" could be more specific about the type of information you are looking for, maybe I could oblige? You want tips and tricks? Fashion suggestions? What? How am I supposed to know what you want, if all you type in is "hot sluts"?

And for the people still looking for help in writing their own wedding "vowels", I give you the same advice I gave the last time: A, E, I, O, U and sometimes, if you are very lucky, Y.

NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow. Prepare for the madness.

Posted by jodi at 20h17 | Permalink | Comments (3)

So I don't have to think too much. At least not before noon.

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.
What Part of Fall Are You?


You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!
How Weird Are You?
At first I got 20%, but I wasn't completely honest, and my cousin Kirsten doubted the accuracy of the test, since she scored 30%, so I retook it.



Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.
What Kind of Seducer Are You?


Your Blog Should Be Purple


You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?
Well, I'd change the color, except, as we know from above, I am soon to be dead. At least I'm pretty.

Posted by jodi at 10h24 | Permalink | Comments (7)

So, this is how I found this week's theme.

Me: Lloyd, what should tomorrow's theme be?
Lloyd: Sloth.
Me: Sloth? My favorite sin? You think so?
Lloyd: www.notproud.com
Me: What is this?
Lloyd: confessions of sin. I spend a lot of time browsing there. Mostly on Lust.
Me: Why;.... we could have a Seven Weeks of Sin theme!

And there you have it. Over the next seven weeks, we shall explore the seven deadly sins. Sassy! Despite what it says above, we are starting with Pride. I'm going to write mine in the morning because I don't have my glasses on right now. I have no idea if I am typing the words that are coming out of my head. It's all one big blur.

EDITED TO ADD:

The Collector
I lined each one up carefully, equal distances from each other. Inspected each for dust or scratches. I suppose some may consider it foolish, the pride I have in my collection, but I have a real sense of accomplishment. It's good to have tiny achievable goals - quicker pay offs.

Posted by jodi at 0h12 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Amelia: What is wrong with The New Kid?
Me: Paco? He's drunk.
Amelia: I thought you all were in a meeting... how did he get drunk?
Me: It was a Happy Birthday to Those with Birthdays in Oct. and Nov. Meeting.
Amelia: Like you.
Me: Yes, and Tessa, Dr. Stevil, others. But it was a Cake and Margarita party.
Amelia: Cake and Margaritas, do they go well together?
Me: Not really, but everyone seemed to like it. I had a diet pepsi. Our boy Paco here is a light weight.
Amelia: He's damn near hysterical, I fail to see what's so amusing.
Me: He just told me I was cool, like Evildeb. We were equal levels of cool, but it's a HIGH level of cool.
Amelia: Shows you what he knows.

I have decreed a new decree... from now on, we get Paco drunk at least once a week. Preferably on a Friday afternoon, as it's a perfect excuse to quit working, for he is just delightful in his mirth. He simultaneously celebrated Evildeb's coolness factor and her retardedness quotient. And pronounced her GREAT. I warned him I was going to blog him, I told him... but he was too busy explaining to spyware on his computer how he was going to combat it. And a trip of the men's bathroom recovered the following fact: it smells pooey. Delightful!

Posted by jodi at 18h28 | Permalink | Comments (3)

That whoever came up with Fried Mozzarella Cheese Sticks was, or is, a genius of the highest caliber.

I think there is a beer commercial about this, but what are some of the unidentified works of genius in your life?

Posted by jodi at 14h51 | Permalink | Comments (3)

In my neighborhood, there is a house with an immaculate yard, and nearly perfect front lawn. Lush and green, it looks like carpet. Within this house, lives an older couple, I'm guessing mid to late 70's. They keep things neat and clean around there. Sometimes, on nice days, they open the garage door and move some lawn chairs right up to the edge. Not actually out on the driveway, but still inside the garage, they sit and watch the traffic go by. Recently, they've added a new feature to their shag carpet lawn, which I call Placemat Platitudes.

It started out with what looked like a golf club stuck in the ground, with a piece of cardboard attached. On the cardboard was pasted an 11x17 piece of paper, with a platitude printed on it in red and green. It looked like a placemat from an Italian restaurant. As I was driving by, it looked to me that the whole thing, the cardboard and the placemat, had been wrapped in plastic to protect it from the elements. A couple of weeks went by, the platitudes would change every couple of days. Soon the stick in the ground was upgraded for a small easel. I meant to blog about it at the time, but something more interesting always came up.

But then, the Placemat Platitudes went away, and I was sad. I'd lost my chance to share them with you. I remember some of the quotes and sentiments that were displayed. My faovrite was a quote from Abraham Lincoln.

"The ballot is stronger than the bullet."

I found it ironic. You know... considering his death. There were others, something about Fate choosing your Family, but YOU chose your Friends. I wish I had written them down. Well good news!! They are back! Maybe by popular request, I do not know. And this one is a doozy of brilliance!

"I learn from my misteaks."

Get it? mis-steaks! Cuz, you see, it's spelled wrong and... oh, nevermind.

Posted by jodi at 16h58 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Pardon my silence. Things got a bit busy towards the end of my vacation there. And yesterday i was just exhausted. When I got home from work, I basically slept, woke up a for a bit, slept, woke up for even less of a bit and slept through the night until 4 am.

My punk rock friend Kam was in town this weekend. On Friday night we went to see Turbonegro at the Showbox. I'm going to be honest with you, I had no idea who the were. But this was one of the main reasons for Kam's visit, although she tends to drop by for a weekend at least once a year.

Whatever opening acts they had, we missed. The place was crowded and we were standing towards the back. Finally they band came out. Turbonegro wears cute little outfits, alá The Village People. There was a sailor, a man in a top hat and tux jacket, a man with a hard hat, another with what appeared to be a German army officer hat and coat, the lead singer was dressed like a hippy, and the drummer was a gang banger. I stayed and watched about three songs. Then the lead singer said we all needed to be taught a lesson about death punk and the wearing of denim as a second skin. Wearing denim is of some significance to fans of Turbonegro I guess. But the thing is, I really don't think I need to learn any more about death punk. I know about as much as I care to know. And I've been wearing denim all my life. So I went to hang out in the Green Room, drink cokes with cherries and read The Stranger.

But Kam enjoyed it. And that's what's important. I only wish I had the chance to practice my limited Norwegian on someone.

Posted by jodi at 10h58 | Permalink | Comments (3)

This week's theme is a no brainer really, it's birthdays. I mean, duh. Just another way to prolong the celebration. I'm going to need some more birthday pie, I think.

Not in My House
I've never seen such destruction and chaos. The screams, the tears, the sounds of breaking glass, the sugar high, though it would never end. As god is my witness, I will never throw another birthday party for 10 six year olds again. Next year, it's Chuck E. Cheese.

Posted by jodi at 0h26 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Tessa and Louise just called from work to sing Happy Birthday to me. And to inform me that apparently, ironically, someone is attempting to share my birthday with me. It would appear that THE MONKEE claims today as his birthday as well. Yes! It's true. I didn't believe them at first, but I guess it's true.

It doesn't matter, I had it first. They say he's younger than me. When I am done squeezing whatever birthday joy there is in this day, he can have what is left.

I wonder if anyone has told Amelia.

Posted by jodi at 14h24 | Permalink | Comments (7)

Hi!

I've taken this week off from work. I've also taken it off from getting dressed, replying to emails, blogging, brushing my hair, getting up before noon, answering the telephone and generally acknowledging any kind of responsibilities. I've been very busy. Doing things like sleeping in, buying a vacuum, hanging out with my little brother, hooking myself up with wireless internet connection, watching movies, playing the sims, reading comics and other important things. And today I will bother to get dressed. Because tonight we'll be having birthday pie!

I am quite sure that I woke up with some extra maturity and wisdom this morning. I just don't think it's kicked in yet.

Posted by jodi at 13h56 | Permalink | Comments (4)

I was chatting with Christine today, explaining how my worst nightmare happened on Friday. No, not the showing up naked to a final exam late, and finding a spider on my seat. The one where you accidentally include someone in an email they should NOT receive. And you find yourself stuck in the middle of a conversation that should take place between two other people. Not to mention the fact that you now feel bad for anything and everything you said. Christine said, "That's a place you find yourself a lot, isn't it? The middle?"
"Yup. Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right. Hmmmm.... I wonder if anyone has done a cover of that song?"
Yes, they have. I found several, but two I could not resist. But first, the original.

Stuck in the MIddle with You - Steelers Wheel

I am not familiar with Dale Ann Bradley, but she is a bluegrass/amaericana artist, and she released an album this year called "Old Southern Porches." Which happens to feature a very happy cover of "Stuck in the Middle with You." This version will be particularly enjoyable to Christine, who loves country, and Lloyd, who loves the banjo.

Stuck in the Middle with You - Dale Ann Bradley

I was all set to just go with that cover, when I found this one, done by Juice Newton. William loves the Juice. So I couldn't resist including it for him.

Stuck in the Middle with You - Juice Newton

Posted by jodi at 13h18 | Permalink | Comments (5)

The next time I choose style over comfort, shoot me. In the leg, of course, I don't want you to kill me. Just render me unable to even chose to wear high heels. Either that, or make me start practicing, standing in them for hours, weeks ahead of time.

Well that was one of your better weddings. The bride, my cousin, looked beautiful, the flower girl was appropriately precious, the groom had funny in his vows, the food was good, we all held our breaths during the F.O.T.B.'s toast and, lo and behold, he did not say anything embarrassing! Well done, our side of the family! I got to see some family I don't get to see very often, which was fun. And everyone kept telling me nice I looked. Which is both pleasant and embarrassing. I wish I had a really great faux pas to share, but the evening was a success. Sad, isn't it? I did hear that the F.O.T.B, my uncle, almost tripped when walking down the aisle. But I didn't see it, and almost only counts in horseshoes.

There is, however, a picture somewhere of me with bubble gum all over my face. A nice man had bubble gum in his pocket for all the kids. I knocked one of those kids down and snatched the gum, lickety split. I was sitting with the bride, blowing bubbles, I had a good one going and the photographer, who is another uncle of mine, caught the tail end of it. I tried to keep that bubble up as long as possible, but it popped, and the picture is of me with gum all over my face. There were disposable, pink, cameras on all the tables, and I took it upon myself to take pictures with ours. No serious smiles, only goofy faces. And two pictures of my shoes. A picture of the ladies' room door, a picture of my aunt's feet peeking out from underneath the stall, and another one of the sign over the toilet instructing you to hold the handle down a little longer than normal. I bet my uncle didn't take any pictures of the ladies room. It's ok, tho... I got it covered.

Ok... back to cleaning the kitchen. Meh.

Posted by jodi at 10h54 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today's theme is weddings. Maybe we've done weddings as a theme before, I can't remember. But since my cousin Kirsten is getting married today, it's going to be weddings again! Ok, you can do weddings, or Yom Kippur. It's your choice.

Pileup in Taffeta
It was a massive collision. Bodies were tangled together and the cries of the hurt and humiliated were heard by all. She stopped and looked at the chaos, a pile of fallen maids.

"Ok, maybe I could have picked a more sensible shoe for the bridesmaids." She whispered to her father.

Posted by jodi at 0h02 | Permalink | Comments (4)

I have a wedding to go on Friday. I bought some new fancy pants for it. They are quite long, and require heels to look good. So yesterday, I went to Nordstrom and bought these shoes. Black suede pumps, three inch stiletto heels. This is about twice the heel I am used to wearing. The last few years I have enjoyed the fashion of platform shoes with chunky heels. Significantly safer for a girl like me.

Those who know me in RL know that I am not the most graceful of girls. There is great potential for injury and humiliation in these shoes. In their defense, they have a rubber sole with a bit of tread on it, so they don't slip or slide as much as regular pumps. That shouldn't stop me. Since I am wearing pants, I really should consider wearing ankle braces. Yesterday, when I got home, I spent the rest of the evening in my new shoes. Walking around, breaking them in. Oh, sure, part of the evening was spent wearing them while sitting on my ass in the Purple Chair. But that still counts.

There is a new spider, I call her Doris, she has quite the round, rotund body and is trying to move in to my mail box. She's about half the size of Petrov. It occurred to me that maybe I should leave the various spider condos up until the end of the month. They are kinda Halloweeny.

Posted by jodi at 11h34 | Permalink | Comments (6)

The housing restrictions I have imposed upon the spiders living in my yard has been violated repeatedly. They seem to have no respect for The Broom. Overnight, the biggest spider of them all, I call him Petrov, rebuilt his web. He likes the spot right in front of the flood light, right hand corner, in front of the garage. His web stretches from the eaves of the roof, to the ground. It's that ginormous. I tried to take a picture of him, but it was dusk, and it didn't turn out well.

I was feeling fairly benevolent, leaving him and his brethren alone, as I had just finished reading Anansi Boys, by Neil Gaiman. I wouldn't say that I had gone soft on the spider issue. But perhaps I was feeling momentarily kind towards them. That was until I had to sweep webs away just to open the garage door. [It opens by hand, not remote. Half my stuff, more than half, is stored in the garage, so I sometimes go out trolling for lost items.] The next time Petrov, and his spider buddies, leave their colossal webbed structures, I'm bringing out The Broom. And we are going to repeat this process until they quit populating the entrances and exits to building structures, i.e.: the garage, the front door, the back door.

Sad news, kids... The Fun Hole has closed for the season. No more Fun Hole fun until next spring.

Posted by jodi at 13h13 | Permalink | Comments (3)

There are few things I enjoy more than silly internet quizzes. I am a kitten. Knew it all along.

You Are A: Kitten!

Cute as can be, kittens are playful, mischevious, and ever-curious. Your mischevious side is part of what makes you a kittenKittens are often loving, but are known to scratch or bite when annoyed. These adorable animals are the most popular pets in the United States--37% of American households have at least one cat. Whether it is your gentle purr or your disarming appearance, you make a wonderful kitten.

You were almost a: Bear Cub or a Monkey
You are least like a: Bunny or a PonyWhat Cute Animal Are You?

Posted by jodi at 23h07 | Permalink | Comments (10)

I feel I should warn you now, I'm always going to be a sucker for anyone who covers an Adam Ant song. It's the ultimate in nostalgia for me. This particular song was always one of my favorites. Oh many an hour I would waste watching Mtv, waiting for the rocket to come on, to see if they would mention an upcoming ant video in the next hour.

Stand and Deliver - Adam Ants

I came across this cover by accident. It isn't new, it came out in 1997. Am I the only one who feels like 1997 was just the other day and is shocked to realize it was 8 years ago? I'm getting old, aren't I? Well, just my love for Adam Ant dates me, doesn't it? Ah, well... more people should cover Adam Ant songs. It makes me happy. [I have another one saved for a rainy day.]

Stand and Deliver - Sugar Ray

Posted by jodi at 10h53 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Hi! I am trying to post the Then and Now, but it's late due to technical difficulties. Please stand by....

In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

Posted by jodi at 10h41 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sorry for the delay in getting the 50 word fiction up, I was struggling for an idea. This week's theme is validation.

Parking Ticket
Mouth open, he stood outside her door, while his date threw his coat at him. His shoes hit him squarely on the chest, one after the other. The offending ticket still clutched in his palm, he wondered what the big deal was. All he asked was if she validated parking.

Posted by jodi at 9h59 | Permalink | Comments (6)

You scored as Kaylee Frye. The Mechanic.
You are a natural mechanic, and you are far too sweet and cheerful to live out here. How you can see the good in everyone around you boggles the mind occationally. Still you don't seem to be any crazier than that, and it is a nice kinda crazy.

Posted by jodi at 10h07 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Louise stood me up for the Neil Gaiman signing last night. I got her a book signed anyway. She's lucky I didn't have it signed to Sucko McSuckypants. That's Scottish, right? Feh, I owed her a signed book anyway. But that is not the point. I did run into someone from work, so I didn't have to sit all by myself.

Speaking of spiders - Neil Gaiman's latest book is about Anansi the African Spider God. And his sons. - lately the little buggers have been trying to trap me in my house. Many many little freakies have been building their webs above and around the doors to my house. Sometimes spanning the doorway, from shrub to shrub, in the middle of the night so I walk straight into it in the morning, resulting in a little dance in which i drop everything to swat at myself, jumping about the driveway, and brushing off dozens and dozens of invisible spiders. And shrieking. Like a girl. Here's the thing, these spiders? They only come out at night. And they are HUGE mutherfucking spiders. I am serious. I know I am prone to exaggeration. At times. But these creepy spiders are ginormous. Ok, they are not tarantulas, but I am thinking that there were some weird mutant spiders born in my yard over the summer. Because I have never seen so many that big.

I asked my stepdad about them, and he said, "Oh, yes, well it's getting colder, they are starting to move in."
"Move in? Move in how? What move in?"
"Move in closer to the house, in the house, they do it every year."
"Over my dead arachnophobic body!"

So I have to use a broom and play web demolition. I don't like to do it, webs are pretty and look like hard work. But there ain't no freakin' way I am letting them slide their leggies into my house. Besides, why do they have to hang out in my doorways? Why do they have to attach themselves to my recycling bin? There are two sides of the house I never visit, why don't they go build their communities over there? They probably have, I just haven't looked. There is probably a whole cabana of spiders living outside my bedroom window. Well, they are all coming down. New rule, webs are only welcome 10 feet from the house, and may not touch the house, my car, or my trash receptacles. I'm arming myself with my broom when I get home. Before it gets dark, that is.

Posted by jodi at 11h26 | Permalink | Comments (7)

Tonight Louise and I are going to hear Neil Gaiman read or speak or answer questions or do whatever he wants. It's all good to us. We have books to be signed as well. We already have our tickets for the line. You get a numbered ticket to keep things orderly. I am number 419. Can you believe that? That's a metric buttload of books he is signing every time he stops in some city. He's going to need a bionic hand. But that would rule because then he could crush things with his bare hand. And probably play a kick ass game of tiddlywinks as well. Or marbles.

Anyway, yes. That's tonight. And I am excited to see all the people signing up for nanowrimo! Oh the fun we shall have. Trust me! It will be great. I have my 2003 Nanowrimo shirt on today, as a matter of fact. One of them. it's not a significant event in life if it doesn't come with a t-shirt!

Posted by jodi at 13h22 | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've been without my High Speed Internet access at home since Friday morning. It just came back on tonight. Hooray! Thanks to some kind, benevolent, top secret soul, I had dial up to hold me over. But I couldn't work the Then and Now's with dial up. It hurt me.

In the mean time, go sign up.

Actually, it seems their servers are down, so wait for tomorrow afternoon and then sign up. Wheeee! You can do it! Yes you can!

Posted by jodi at 19h47 | Permalink | Comments (6)