Update Sept 28, 2003
this is a page from a very old uberbrain.com design i was working on, that never went live. but i just love the little rollover pictures of me and lonnie. and the roll over title. i crack myself up. and i still love lonnie's scary plan to torture bean's mailman. so i'm putting it up.
i wonder whatever happened to bean....
'Im Jodi and this is my friend Lonnie. He's very smart and sometimes he writes stuff that just cracks me up. Like the email below. Lonnie and I met when we both used to work for an evil print shop, part of IKON Document Services. Now we both work for much larger corporations that could squash IKON like a bug. I wish they would. Lonnie doesn't like big business. Or the WTO. Or Kevin Costner or vegetables. I don't like vegetables either. But I like Lonnie a lot. He's my friend. Lonnie.
Death of a Mailman

this email was writen several months ago when a friend named bean asked for someone to kill her mailman. for some amount of money I cannot remember and a life size cutout of Oscar de la Hoya. I guess he pissed her off.
OK, Beaner - this is the real deal. This is just between you and me, I am an ex-Marine. I know 17 ways to kill a man with my left hand, of course I am ambidextrous, but that is beside the point. My question to you is how do you want him killed? Fast death like a sniper shot from a 500 yards range between the eyes with a 7.62 mm round out a M-16 with a silencer and never being seen and you have a drop point for the money and the life-sized cutout (no, I am not going to let you forget that, that is part of the deal, I have my priorities) or do you want this man to hate his life so much that he begs me to take it from him? Allow me a moment to sell you on the last option? (Because, just between you and me, he's going to die anyway, so we might as well let him know WHY he is being tortured, right?)

Okay, first thing is first. He will deliver the mail to an apartment in a basement of which I will rent for 6 months, during that time, you and I will have no contact, except you paying the bills of which are sent to you via UPS and will be paid promptly. There will not be a return address, so as to not incriminate you. During the first month, I will dig into the ground of the apartment, this will take me time, but not as much once I break through the concrete, I am as good as gold. (Don't worry, I have had to do this before) During the second month, I will build my chair of torture and sound proof the room with the hole in the floor; it will be approximately 8 feet deep by 2 feet wide by 4 feet in length. During the third month, and this is critical that all bills are paid during this time, so as I can always have him in my sight. It is most important that my bills are paid for, just to be up front, postmen usually hang out at porno shops, I may have to buy pornos to assimilate myself into the crowd. Now most postmen hang out there a lot, so don't mind the excessive numbers of pornos that I am buying, okay. I am doing this for you, so those bills have to be paid on time or I can't get any more pornos and that would be bad. With that said, I tail this guy during this month and on the 31st day of that month I tail him and while he is delivering mail on your block, I sneak into his truck and await his arrival. At this point, I have my chlorophyll-dipped rag and he is out like a light, upon exiting his slumber, his bound and gagged in the room with the hole in it in the rented apartment.

His screams will not be heard, there is no light coming into the room, he can't know if it is day or night or when he is to sleep or eat. This is what I call the "Little Psychological Anguishing Deaths." Really, Ted Bundy wrote in his manuscripts of this psyche-outs also did many men of the Aces during the aftermath of the Tet Offensive (Viet Nam, to all who don't know who these men were, the merchants of death, they left they Ace of Spades cards lodged between their dead's open orifices). Now, there are exactly 1,974 ways to torture a person, over a thousand of these were invented by 1863, but since the Civil War, we have been pretty busy coming up with new schemes. This is what I was thinking. Inject tapeworms into his large intestinal tract, inject psylocybin into his bloodstream, and inject pure Lysergic Dithalimine into his brain. Make him watch as I bring prostitutes into the house and entertain (this is another bill that HAS to be paid, I cannot stress this one enough, wherever the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas is, I have to see Jim Nabors and Burt and Dolly) Having the chinese water treatment as I rip off his toe-nails. There will also be cleaning up time. During the middle of the second week, he will have a nails from a nail gun shot through every open area in his feet, and then just for fun, I will spend a whole night shooting nails from the nail gun and trying to knock out his eye. This might take a little while longer than I can expect, you just never know how good your shot is going to be when you have two-fifths of Johnny Walker and LSD in you, as I am sure that you know. But when the fluid from his eyes have completely drained out and his retinas are in my hands, this is the time that you may come over and let him know how angry he truly has made you. He needs to know this now, because the next morning after you and I party and watch a little Cannibal! The Musical (I hope that you don't mind that a few whores might show up) and you tell him why this is happening to him, I must get back to work His ears are the next to go, I want it to ring in his ears, your final words to him. This will all continue until the first day of the fifth month of my stay. Then, he will be summarily dealt with, he probably has been spelling K-I-L-L M-E with his head in Morse code ever since I ripped out his tongue with my pinky and thumb, well that and I have knocked out all of his teeth, with my drill and sewed his mouth shut. A few times, he will probably actually try to get in the hole himself, but what he doesn't know is sometimes I will have taken him for a drive, let him smoke, he won't even believe how generous I have been to him. Anyways, then he will be raised upside down from the pulley system that I have been working on for about three years. He then will drop slowly into the hole of which I have been filling with maggots and leeches and pincher bugs. He will still be alive when I start putting the dirt back into the hole. This will take approximately one evening. I will smooth it out, at this point, you must fly my brother who is a general contractor, down and he will cement up the hole, don't worry, we know what we are doing, okay? Now during the time, that my brother is down there with me, we will be cleaning up, restoring the apartment to even better shape than when I moved and hiring a cleaning crew to completely do the carpets and windows and get that filth underneath the fridge, I am not touching that stuff, that crap makes me sick it is too goddamn nasty, okay? Anyways, let me reiterate, there will be many bills at this time, you must pay them, they MUST be paid, this makes the whole job go off without a hitch, okay? Now, there will probably be bills doubled at this point, because my brother (who is needed to finish the job) will be attending the strip joints and whorehouses with me. This is all customary, we cannot, I repeat just cannot, just Stop going to these places that we have built the relationships with. It would be rude on our part and look funny, they may catch on to us. Now, there will be the drop off point for the rest of the cash, out of the $27,000,000, I have approximately spent $756,984.32 on hardware supplies and bathroom essentials. I have probably spent in the course of the six months, roughly $2.4 million at the whorehouse and strip joints, my brother and I have expensive tastes, don't you even bat an eye about that - we will just leave the whole bill of you owing us $23 million dollars. And let us not forget the Oscar de la Hoya life-sized cutout.

Now remember, BEANER, not a word to anyone, capece? I will go and get rid of your request to have your mailmen killed, that can be used as evidence? Now what do you think? Huh? Huh? I mean, you can change the tortures up a little, but you know, this is my routine, so what do you think? Be honest.

Let me know,
Gotta go,
Love, LJ